Lu-Lu-Lucy's Rant

Picking up the mess | Living life | sans tiger-parents


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Thank you, mother monster

Never thought I’d say this but I gotta thank mother monster for treating me like garbage for most of my life. I now understand why I was such a doormat – as a girlfriend, a friend and most of all, a daughter. Now that I am able to look back and see it as part of my past, I recognize that I never wanted anyone to feel belittled, abandoned or ridiculed… Nor any hostility, sadness, fear or self-loathing because of my words, my attitude or my behaviour.

It took many years to let things go, and I have not 100%. But with the support of my hubster and a few close friends, I know that my perspective and attitude have shifted and I’m on my way to healing.

I choose to consciously turn this people-pleasing trait into constructive compassion and empathy. I am hopeful that my decision of going into nursing will align more closely with my personality, beliefs and values. I am certainly more in touch with who I am and why I stand so strongly for or against certain situations/people.

My good friend, Sam, once told me that she is in fact unable to think negatively. (!!) Being the pessimist that I used to be, I was quite astonished at her “inability” to be negative. For my 2016 new year’s resolutions, I decided that my #1 goal was to “be positive!”

Every time that I was about to talk me into self-sabotage, I recall what Sam said. I try to exercise my brain into the habit of kicking out the unnecessary and negative thoughts, as I read somewhere that brains are like muscles – they remember chemically how and what we react to. (Check this link: http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/10/how-to-get-rid-of-anger/ )

Overall, I have been experiencing calm and peace in a huge way. I hope to continue on this path to mental healthiness and peace within.


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“Lifestyle Bloggers” – Whaaaaaaa??

So, someone please explain to me what is up with these Lifestyle Bloggers? My understanding of them, or what I observe mainly on Instagram, is that you carefully flaunt the nice shits you have (sometimes, sponsored) in a staged, ungenuine manner.

To each their own. I have no qualms with people blogging about their shit or their followers. Just that, it appears most of the time, the shits are expensive AF that no normal working person with even an above average wage can afford…

As a reference, “lifestyle” as defined by:

  • the Oxford Dictionaries: the way in which a person lives
  • http://www.dictionary.com: the habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level, etc., that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group

I guess my complaint boils down to this: I’d like to see some realistic lifestyle bloggers? Do they exist? Like, go buy this $12 tee from whatever store, instead of some $400 tank top? Surely, there are not so well off people out there other than me self??

Random rant. That is all.

 


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Taking the plunge

I did it! I registered for four prerequisite courses to prep for getting into Nursing school!

It feels right. It feels far better than when I thought I wanted to do event planning. I want to put my compassion and empathy to use – neither construction nor event planning gives me that satisfaction. (granted, I never fully gave event planning a try)

The earliest intake for Nursing would be in January of 2017; and that is assuming I pass the prereq. courses in flying colors. I freaking better.

I realize I have pursued or thought I was interested in several things since I quit my last job. And I may appear to be a bit all over the place, but nursing is the one thing I kept returning to. Somehow, it feels really good and exciting and scary, but a good-kinda-scary.

I am excited!!


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Learning how to ski at 34

If anyone had told me even two years ago that I would learn how to ski at the ripe, old age of 34, I would’ve laughed in their face. I would’ve told them my body is too old for that shit.

We hear that quite often, don’t we?

“I am too old to party!”

“I am too old to start over!”

“I am too old to *insert verb*!”

I whole-heartedly believed in that shit.

Until, in my 30’s, I learned how to draw. I taught myself 3D-modeling. I learned how to ski. Yes, my hubster is a ski instructor – but it is always the instructors who express shock that we didn’t get divorced over the ordeal! I have to say my hubster is super duper patient and such a great teacher. He didn’t mind hanging out with me night after night on the bunny hill while I practiced, surrounded by three or four year olds whipping by on tiny skis or snowboards.

Speaking of them wee toddlers skiing, they were a huge inspiration to my learning how to ski. I see these cute little things bundled up, flying down the hill. If they fall or crash, they get right back up. No fear. No complaints. Don’t give a shit if it’s cold af, snot running down their little nosies.

More often than not, I see a small class of wee todds coming down a blue run while I’m going up the chairlift. I would talk myself into going down the same run, only to regret it as soon as I had gone beyond the point of no return.

I didn’t have the happiest of childhood. Now, I yearn to live like a child. To embrace that innocence of having no fear, of never having been defeated, of not feeling tired, of not having been told “you can’t do it”…. I want to live life with a clean slate. My mother did not give me that, but I choose to give it to myself.

I feel (hope) that the days of hatin’ on the monsters are over. I don’t want to waste another second thinking about “if only they had…” I need to live my life. Everything they never taught me as a parent, I will now teach myself.

I don’t want to be bound by the constraints of the society.

I don’t want to live by what’s socially acceptable and what’s not.

I want to approach the world with this fierce, unapologetic curiosity of a child.

The way I see it, we are never too old for anything.

I get it, we get hurt along the way. Shit happens. Somewhere along the journey, we learn and hold onto fear, to pre-brace for the falls. But we mustn’t forget to live life! Shit happens, deal with what you got as best you can, and that’s the best any of us can do.

 


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Everything Will Pass

When I first started this blog in 2014, I was blinded by my rage towards the monsters (parents). I hated them and held them accountable for everything – my poor mental health, not being able to start a family, my lack of a career, being a door mat in relationships (personal and professional), zero skills in negotiating… the list goes on. It’s not to say I want to be in touch with them. Nope, I still have no desire for that. But my anger has subdued. Overtime, my rage and uncontrolled passion of hatred have mellowed out.

Hind sight is always 20/20. I think what helped me a lot was actually talking about it. Verbalizing my hatred, discontent, anger, disappointment and whatever negative emotion, mostly to my poor husband and close friends. And seeing random posts on fb about how holding onto anger only hurts oneself, the importance of letting go… Although I must admit it is really difficult to get through to someone whose anger runs so deep that it’s beyond one’s control. I even dreaded sleeping at one point because I hated all the nightmares I had of them. I would scream and yell, punch and kick in my sleep. It really felt like everything was out of my control.

I never wish to hate any body with such intensity ever again.

For having lived in fear and under such immense pressure, terror, walking on egg shells, and having been told for 29 years straight that I was as worthless as garbage – I can now say that spending the past 5-6 years to cleanse my life, to completely rid it of negative people and the deeply-rooted negative image of self, it was a small price to pay. (Life could be better but it could definitely be worse, too)

There are times when I look in the mirror and I see monster-father. Believe me, it makes me cringe. There are times when someone mentions my maiden name, and it triggers small bouts of annoyance and anxiety. There are so many things that can be triggers, and I am well aware that those are things I cannot possibly run away from, or simply forget. Now that the paralyzing anger has passed, I hope to dedicate the coming year(s) to further self-acceptance.

The lessons I have taken away from yoga have helped me immensely, too:

  • Be present
  • Accept yourself, your practice, whatever level you may be at
  • Be open to and embrace your physical and emotional feelings

I feel that these three key points are not only applicable to practicing yoga, but to life in general.

Today is Bell’s Let Talk Day. I would like to dedicate this blog to those who are struggling with mental health illness. Please remember that your feelings do not own you, they will pass. Acknowledge your feelings, accept them, and know that it is not permanent.

As Harvey Specter would say: you always have a choice, “.. you do one of another 146 other things.” I never would have been able to see it this way even two years ago. But the choice is yours to make. Have faith in yourself, have faith in tomorrow. Have faith that you are not alone.


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“The Success Project – HK”

*apologies, video in Chin-glish! and kudos to Asha Cuthbert for putting together this clip of pure awesomeness and inspiration!

Recently, a famous film director in HK made a bold statement saying that YouTubers will “never succeed in life because they cannot generate enough income to buy a flat or a car.” He may be right about that, but he was wrong to equate “success” to money. Here, a bunch of HK youngsters share their views of what success means to them.

I only spent about 12-13 years growing up in HK – a part of me will always yearn for living in a big city, for amazing cuisines, night life, a beautiful skyline, the liveliness of a bustling city. However, I appreciate spending my teenage years in Canada for the simple example of how “success” is defined – it is perceived in so many ways here. People are encouraged (for the most part) to follow their dreams, to explore and pursue their passion, to live life, to be happy. Sure, success can include engaging in meaningful work or making a lot of money; but we emphasis that success is not only about money.

I will always love HK. My heart is in Canada. My soul is yearning for adventures. No matter where I am, a tiny piece of my heart will always belong to HK. I commend these young people for thinking and seeking for success out of the box, despite the pushiness of the education system and the culturally-restricted society. I wish them luck and happiness in pursuing their definition of “success.”


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New year, new rant

It’s been nearly two years since I posted anything here! I apologize for my disappearance. Well, many many many things have taken place in the last 700+ days. Lots of happy moments, some very disappointing ones and some infuriating ones – all in all, I’d like to think that I have grown from them all.

The biggest change being that I left construction, cuz my boss was (likely, remains) a sexist loser. He walked into my office one day and told me that I sucked at 3D visualizing, but it’s expected cuz I am a girl. This coming from my supposed mentor, my supervisor, the owner of the company, and worst of all, a father of a teenage daughter – it was most disappointing. I left that job. I filed a complaint with WorkSafeBC that got nowhere. Their procedures included speaking to my ex colleagues – are we surprised they denied that their boss was a sexist bully?! I tried to file a complaint with APEGBC (the Association of Professional Engineers and Geologists of BC) and was told that they only care about engineers who fail to comply ethically in a technical way (ie designing an unsafe building). What a pile of shit. How could this association which is supposed to hold members to their highest standards put up with men treating women unfairly? Quoting their code of ethics #7: Conduct themselves with fairness, courtesy and good faith towards clients, colleagues and others, give credit where it is due and accept, as well as give, honest and fair professional comment. If the association does not (want to) acknowledge such happenings, then why is it even part of the code??

It was definitely a low point in my life – I even donated all my codes / reference material and thought I was saying goodbye to construction for good! People love to talk about gender equality, how it’s come such a long way since women could vote, etc. But really? A woman only needs to work in construction a few days to see how backwards this industry alone remains. It is mostly still run by 60/70+ year olds, who have mentored the up-and-coming generation of mostly men. I guess I can only hope that the world out there is generally bigger on gender equality, cuz… from my personal experience, construction certainly isn’t.

When I was 23 and fresh out of school, guys on site or in the shop catcalling… old men calling me “honey” or “sweetheart” didn’t faze me one bit. I was too young and too naive to even think about wage inequality. I was like, “bring it on! I am ready to show you how I will kick ass in construction and earn your respect!” Maybe it’s my bad luck, maybe it’s my glass-half-empty attitude.. I just haven’t worked somewhere that I truly felt respected. Not to mention having a mentor. So, all these years later, my career is in shambles. I have left construction twice now, only to realize that I miss it whenever I am out of it. I miss the efficiency of the industry (no one wants to pay for a crane or a whole crew on site doing nothing, not even a day), everyone’s common goal is to get the damn thing built as efficiently, on budget, on time as possible.

When I first walked away from the monsters (parents), I became very black and white. I demanded it from self and those around me. Needless to say, that does not bode well in a work environment (and I am thankful for friends who have put up with me and remain by my side). It’s not to say I regret leaving the job with the sexist boss. It’s just that I understand now that I cannot wage battles everywhere. It’s nearly damned impossible to find friends who share (can put up with) my values and ideals and moral compass, work is certainly not the place to do so.

In the job following the sexist boss, I walked into a tech start up (oooh, sounds like an awesome work place, right?!) ruled by an evil queen. I saw something unfair taking place at work, spoke up about it, and got threatened by said evil queen and HR, who was the queen’s pet. It opened my eyes that unfairness, corruption, fcked up politics, ass-kissing, sexism – all this shittiness exist across industries. My new conclusion is that construction is not the only sucky-ballz industry. My silly, innocent brain thought that I would find bliss outside of it. I guess some things we just need to learn on our own.

So, I am writing this entry as a jobless person. Trying to get back into construction. One of my new year’s resolutions is to “Be Positive!” A good friend recently told me that my general tendency is to see things in a negative light, while she is the exact opposite. In fact, she said she is so positive that she is unable to see / feel negatively overall! So this is my #1 challenge in this new year. I am training myself to see the glass as half-full all the time!

I guess I am lucky that my brain seems to have a fairly high capacity of blocking out shitty experience. Only this time, I have lived through it, allowed myself to be present and feel the sadness, rage, disappointment, etc. I have learnt to recognize my feelings, remind self that my feelings do not rule over me and will pass. And now, I am ready to move on.