When I first started this blog in 2014, I was blinded by my rage towards the monsters (parents). I hated them and held them accountable for everything – my poor mental health, not being able to start a family, my lack of a career, being a door mat in relationships (personal and professional), zero skills in negotiating… the list goes on. It’s not to say I want to be in touch with them. Nope, I still have no desire for that. But my anger has subdued. Overtime, my rage and uncontrolled passion of hatred have mellowed out.
Hind sight is always 20/20. I think what helped me a lot was actually talking about it. Verbalizing my hatred, discontent, anger, disappointment and whatever negative emotion, mostly to my poor husband and close friends. And seeing random posts on fb about how holding onto anger only hurts oneself, the importance of letting go… Although I must admit it is really difficult to get through to someone whose anger runs so deep that it’s beyond one’s control. I even dreaded sleeping at one point because I hated all the nightmares I had of them. I would scream and yell, punch and kick in my sleep. It really felt like everything was out of my control.
I never wish to hate any body with such intensity ever again.
For having lived in fear and under such immense pressure, terror, walking on egg shells, and having been told for 29 years straight that I was as worthless as garbage – I can now say that spending the past 5-6 years to cleanse my life, to completely rid it of negative people and the deeply-rooted negative image of self, it was a small price to pay. (Life could be better but it could definitely be worse, too)
There are times when I look in the mirror and I see monster-father. Believe me, it makes me cringe. There are times when someone mentions my maiden name, and it triggers small bouts of annoyance and anxiety. There are so many things that can be triggers, and I am well aware that those are things I cannot possibly run away from, or simply forget. Now that the paralyzing anger has passed, I hope to dedicate the coming year(s) to further self-acceptance.
The lessons I have taken away from yoga have helped me immensely, too:
- Be present
- Accept yourself, your practice, whatever level you may be at
- Be open to and embrace your physical and emotional feelings
I feel that these three key points are not only applicable to practicing yoga, but to life in general.
Today is Bell’s Let Talk Day. I would like to dedicate this blog to those who are struggling with mental health illness. Please remember that your feelings do not own you, they will pass. Acknowledge your feelings, accept them, and know that it is not permanent.
As Harvey Specter would say: you always have a choice, “.. you do one of another 146 other things.” I never would have been able to see it this way even two years ago. But the choice is yours to make. Have faith in yourself, have faith in tomorrow. Have faith that you are not alone.