Never thought I’d say this but I gotta thank mother monster for treating me like garbage for most of my life. I now understand why I was such a doormat – as a girlfriend, a friend and most of all, a daughter. Now that I am able to look back and see it as part of my past, I recognize that I never wanted anyone to feel belittled, abandoned or ridiculed… Nor any hostility, sadness, fear or self-loathing because of my words, my attitude or my behaviour.
It took many years to let things go, and I have not 100%. But with the support of my hubster and a few close friends, I know that my perspective and attitude have shifted and I’m on my way to healing.
I choose to consciously turn this people-pleasing trait into constructive compassion and empathy. I am hopeful that my decision of going into nursing will align more closely with my personality, beliefs and values. I am certainly more in touch with who I am and why I stand so strongly for or against certain situations/people.
My good friend, Sam, once told me that she is in fact unable to think negatively. (!!) Being the pessimist that I used to be, I was quite astonished at her “inability” to be negative. For my 2016 new year’s resolutions, I decided that my #1 goal was to “be positive!”
Every time that I was about to talk me into self-sabotage, I recall what Sam said. I try to exercise my brain into the habit of kicking out the unnecessary and negative thoughts, as I read somewhere that brains are like muscles – they remember chemically how and what we react to. (Check this link: http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/10/how-to-get-rid-of-anger/ )
Overall, I have been experiencing calm and peace in a huge way. I hope to continue on this path to mental healthiness and peace within.