Lu-Lu-Lucy's Rant

Picking up the mess | Living life | sans tiger-parents

Negotiations & Forgiveness

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I was strolling in the park by our condo one day and overheard this conversation between a little boy and his mom:

Mom: OK, 5 more minutes and we have to go home and prepare dinner.
Boy: Noooo.. I don’t want to go home yet!
Mom: Sorry, 5 more minutes.
Boy: 10!
Mom: No, 5.
Boy: 7!
Mom: OK, 7 minutes.
*the happy boy ran off to play*

It came as a shock that kids could negotiate at such a young age. I had never negotiated with my mother. She had never given me the opportunity. She NEVER asked what I wanted. She simply told me. I either grudgingly did what I was asked, or there would be full on yelling matches. I never felt like I had a choice. In anything.

Calm, level-headed discussions did not exist in my world. There was no talking things through. There was never “I care about you, and I want you to be happy, let’s hear what you have to say.”

As a grown ass adult, discussions are new to me. They are a challenge. Because once I feel that someone is in disagreement, I get overly defensive. I have to remind myself not to yell; to stay calm; that the other person is probably not attacking me even though I may feel that way. I have to hold back my tears; I have to remind myself not to take things personally.

It wasn’t until I went to group therapy that I realized, my mother raised me in a way that left me unable to navigate or function in this world. I had no tools to fend for myself. I only knew how to be a rag doll so other people could walk all over me and throw me around as they wished.

My mother fucked up my life. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t struggle with so many essential skills that came naturally even to children, like negotiating; I wouldn’t have wasted my prime years in and out of the psych ward – which directly affected my work, my resume, my financial stability, my plan for having a family. I felt like I was slowly sinking to the bottom of the ocean, with a ton of bricks tied to my legs but somehow, I was not suffocating. Somehow, I was kept alive when all I wanted was for life to end.

For all of this, I have not forgiven her.

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Author: lululucysrant

Lover of: the ocean. sunshine. beach. my hubster. my friends. loving my hubster and my friends. traveling. summer days. summer nights. sunsets. shorts. summer dresses. flip flops. my Berkenstocks. skiing! (new love. but i definitely appreciate the beach more) drawing. music. movies. documentaries. photos. adventures. buildings. architecture. books. big cities. being Canadian. my (Nexus) phone and tablet. (last but not least) sashimi. Not a huge fan of: tiger parents. judgmental people. being Chinese. lack of justice. the oilsands. Stephen Harper. communism. capital punishment. hypocrisy.

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